This Week’s Results: Jesus

Jef Doon

Pataphysics – Jesus Grow A Handlebar Mustache for Me

I broke up with Jesus when I was twelve years old. Even then, it was pretty much a one-sided relationship.

As a little Catholic schoolboy, I was taught Jesus’ love and introduced to all the benefits of a strong foundation in religion ā€“ my personal favorite benefit is “the body of Christ” (damn tasty).

The only problem is that along with all the love come ridiculous rules and enforced guilt. I don’t remember much from Catholic school other than getting scolded all the time by principal Sister Dolores (pains in Spanish), who looked like USC head football coach Pete Carroll. I believe fun is a punishable crime in Catholic school.

I escaped Catholic school to attend public middle and high school, but Jesus will always love me and beckon me to return to Him. (He loves you too.) Still, it’s really not all that hard to turn away from the hypnotic magnetism of Buddy Christ or Touchdown Jesus. After all, I know that a relationship with Jesus is like most relationships ā€“ just uninvited responsibility and a lot more trouble than it’s worth.

I had a hard time deciding on a song this week. Do I go for irony and pick a song of praise? Do I choose a classic song like “Personal Jesus” or “Monkey Gone to Heaven”? Do I make fun of the fact that Jesus was a zombie?

Eventually I chose “Jesus Grow A Handlebar Mustache For Me” by Pataphysics whose name pretty much says it all. Enjoy!

Jeff Blake

Alex Storer – Heavy Industry!

Jesus Christ: a rich topic to Iron Clef with. I was sorely tempted to pick Velvet Underground’s “Jesus,” as I like Lou Reed–and to hear him singing a plea to Jesus rocks the box.

But for Iron Clef, I’ve gotta sing of pleasing artists that might not get the attention they deserve. This week I submit a soulful crooner whose tunes tug the heartstrings with lyrics that tickle the funny bone: Alex Storer. His song “Heavy Industry” focuses on what Jesus loves, hates, and his preferred plans for investment. There’s some mention of what God wants, as well. For more brilliance by Mr. Storer, I strongly suggest his “Dinosaurs 9” song, with one of the most plaintive refrains bemoaning being born a carnivore.

As far as I know, “Heavy Industry” is his most requested song and a good introduction to his awesomeness. He is still making music, and sometimes performs in the East Coast somewhere. Now on to the awesome.

Dr. Peter Venkman

Billy Idol – Plastic Jesus

Jesus huh? Well the choices are practically limitless. Christian rock is an easy target, and let’s face it, it’s absolutely hilarious. But how do you choose between Stryper and DC Talk?

On the other hand there have been some truly amazing songs that drew inspiration directly from the JC, many of them in the country and western genre. But when I think of these I keep coming back to Johnny Cash singing Depeche Mode’s Personal Jesus, then I get a little bit angry, and I move on.

So I’ve picked something a little different – an old song that’s a little bit funny, a little bit catchy, and that’s been covered by a slew of folks. Plus it’s a driving song, and driving songs are great. This one even advocates drinking and driving with, well from, the son of God. The first version of ‘Plastic Jesus’ I heard was by Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon, but I’m choosing the 2005 cover by Billy Idol instead because something about old punk rockers making new albums really hits a soft spot for me.

In addition, you probably should watch this unrelated YouTube video:

For the love of all things holy, do us a solid and



1 Comment

Filed under Dr. Peter Venkman, Jef Doon, Jeff Blake, Response

One response to “This Week’s Results: Jesus

  1. Thing in Action

    I like that the first two entries had Pixies references: “Jef Doon” with one F, Jef Doon; Monkey gone to heaven, and “I like Lou Reed.” Maybe there was one in the third entry, but I didn’t catch it. But man, I also loved the “Jesus Plastico” line in the third.

    Btw, who’s that sexy beast being framed? Is he cold when he’s naked, and does he kill because it’s fun?

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